The Day I Almost Got Arrested For Being A Buckeyes Fan.

     This is a true story. No names have been changed to protect the innocent because I was the innocent.

     The time: Summer 2009

     The place: Walmart parking lot


     I had the weekend off from work, where I had literally just started weeks before. I'm now an assistant manager of a restaurant but at the time I was merely a crew member making just above minimum wage.

     Keep in mind I was off for the weekend. It becomes important later.

     Anyhoo.....


     I was walking across Walmart parking lot in my Tennessee hometown. It was summer so I had on sandals, a pair of shorts, a t-shirt and my red Ohio State Buckeyes baseball cap that I always wore. As usually happens at Walmart, I had a definite shopping agenda. Ink pens. All I wanted were some ink pens.

     No trouble. Just ink pens.


      As I'm walking across the parking lot, eager to get in and out of Walmart with my sanity intact, a police car cuts in front of me. Thinking I need to start paying more attention to what's going on around me and less about ink pens, I stop short and apologize to the female officer in the car. Figuring there's some ne'er-do-well she's after on the other side of the parking lot, I simply sidestep the car and make my way to walk past the rear of it, resuming my trek to Department Store Hell.


     The police car backs up, once again blocking my path. Again I stop short and backpedal, getting more than a little angry about the situation.  The officer opens her door and steps out.

     "Do you live around here?" She asks?
     "Um... yes I do. Across the street as a matter of fact. Is something wrong?" I reply.
     "I need you to turn around and put your hands on the vehicle."
     I actually snickered. "I'm sorry.....?"
     The officer puts a hand on her holstered sidearm and, again, says, "Turn around and put your hands on the vehicle."
   

     I turned around and put my hands on the vehicle.

     She stood behind me and spread my legs apart and frisked me. I was made to put my wallet and keys on the hood of her car. She tells me that I look exactly like a guy they're looking for who was responsible for a home invasion three days before on Thursday. Right down to the red baseball cap and beard.

     My heart soared! I was a restaurant employee! I wasn't allowed to have a--

     Crap.

     I'd been off for the weekend.  I'd grown a goatee..

     She put my hands behind my back and I felt them being zip-tied. I'm not lying when I tell you I was scared out of my mind. Aside from a speeding ticket years before, I had never been in trouble with the police. Now, I was convinced I was going to jail.

     She asked me how long I'd lived in the area. Why was I at Walmart? Where was I at this time on this day. I was in big time trouble and I hadn't done a thing. All I wanted was some freakin' ink pens.

     As she's questioning me, another police car arrives and pulls in next to us. Backup has arrived and he gets out of his car.

    At this point, there are tears. And snot. I'm pleading my case and explaining that I have absolutely no idea what's going on and all I want are some ink pens and just as I'm sure the female officer has heard enough and is about to bend my head down and shove me in the back seat of the car like you see on TV and take me to jail where I'm going to meet lots of new friends and maybe have a new sexual experience, the other officer says, "How long have you had the beard?"

     The beard!

     "I've only had it since this weekend.. I work at ****** and we're not allowed to have beards."
     The female officer looks at me and says, "If I call ****** and ask your manager about it, will they verify it?"
     "Yes they absolutely will."


     The male officer pulls me to one side and launches into conversation. How long have I worked there? Do I like it?  The female officer is on the phone to my place of employment.  A minute or two later, she hangs up and walks over to us and says that my manager on duty did indeed verify that employees could not have beards. I was at work Thursday. It couldn't have been me.

     But she was still not convinced. Even without the beard, she was focused on my cap. She stared at me for the longest time and for a moment, I was sure I was still getting in that car. Then she walked behind me and cut the zip-tie loose. She said I was free to go and they both apologized for the mistake, leaving me in the parking lot with a crowd of interested onlookers.

     I don't know if they ever caught the guy they were looking for but I am convinced that the only thing that saved my bacon that afternoon was our policy of no beards.

     I still wear the cap proudly as a loyal Ohio State fan.

     I bet the female officer was a Michigan Wolverines fan.