The 20-Things-I-Am-Thankful-For Challenge

     Thanksgiving has pretty much arrived. As you're stuffing your turkey and getting the guest rooms ready and increasing the amount of your Xanax prescription, take a moment to give thanks for at least one thing. I challenge you to think of 20. Here are mine. 

     1) My kids

     2) My girlfriend

     3) My parents

     4) My health

     5) My kindle

     6) My eyesight so I can read my kindle

     7) Having a job when so many don't.

     8) Mexican food

     9) Chinese food

   10) Greek food

   11) Pro football

   12) College football

   13) Comics

   14) Star Wars: Episode 7

   15) Star Wars

   16) Amazon.com

   17) God's unconditional love for me

   18) Diet Mountain Dew

   19) The Walking Dead

   20) You guys. My Faithful Readers. 

     From my family to yours, have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving.

The Return of the Relationship

     So I'm in a relationship again. For some time I had merely been in the Dating Zone, that nebulous, hauntingly shadowy-gray area where you're getting to know the person and see if you're compatible. Now... now she is my girlfriend and I will confess that I say that word with a certain amount of pride and abject fear. My track record is not so good. My marriage was good..... for about 45 seconds. I tell people that the difference between She Who Must Not Be Named when we dated and when we married... well, let's just say Jekyll and Hyde became reality for me.


     She quit her job after we married and expected me to support us on a Wendy's paycheck. Then she expected me to support her and our two kids on a Wendy's paycheck. She got involved in drugs, would stay out all hours of the night while I watched our two toddlers and tried to get enough sleep to manage a 50 mile drive to work and a 10 hour work day. She eventually found a job and liked what she did. I was happy. Until I found out the reason she liked it so much was because she was sleeping with the boss.
   
     I dated off and on afterward. Even tried eHarmony. Then I met a girl with whom I eventually had a relationship with. We were together a couple of years. We even discussed marriage. I moved in with her and things seemed okay until one night, out of a blue clear sky and with no warning whatsoever, she asked me to leave. I never did get a reason as to why, but I certainly didn't want to stay where I wasn't wanted. But after all of the sorrow and depression and moping I had time to reflect. She had been controlling. She wanted me to be her idea of what I should be. Not who I was.


      I'm a nerd and very childlike, which is different from childish. I liked, and still do, comic books and Star Wars and cartoons, etc. We were at Walmart one afternoon and while we were in the Electronics section, I was perusing the new movie releases and I saw the first season of The Greatest American Hero. I loved that show when I was a kid and I was pretty vocal and excited that I could snag this thing and relive some cheese from my childhood. I embarrassed her, she told me. She was molding me into whatever it was she wanted because who I was didn't suit her. That was eight years ago. I'm friends with her on Facebook and to this day she finds a guy who's good to her then breaks up with him, complaining about some trivial thing he does that she can't stand.


     Which brings me to now. She, referred to hereafter as Super Mom, is amazing. She loves her kids. Juggles her work as a teacher with basketball practices, helping with homework, cooking dinners, organizing holiday events, spending time with her recovering-from-a-car-accident dad and taking care of her pets:  a 50 pound Pit Bull/Weimeraner mix who thinks she's a lapdog, a cat in a near-constant state of sexual frustration, and two kittens who take playful to a level of destruction I've never seen in my lifetime.


     And still finds time to care about me. She doesn't get embarrassed if I think the Captain America shield in the toy department is freakin' awesome. She listens when I tell her the plot of the new Justice League comic I'm reading. She flat-out bends over backwards for me. She is the most caring, loving, unselfish woman I have ever known. She even went public on Facebook.


     To quote her youngest child, "That's romance, right there."


     How lucky am I?


     This Thanksgiving.... I hope you have someone special to spend it with. I went many years spending holidays alone. My kids were always there, sure, but I missed that other sort of companionship. And when the kids went home, I was alone again. I hope that you have that person that can put your life at a whole new level. Someone who respects you and genuinely cares for you in such a way that you never have to question it. That makes Thanksgiving dinner taste that much better. Or makes the star on your tree glow that much brighter.


     Someone who.... likes you.

   

   

The Day I Almost Got Arrested For Being A Buckeyes Fan.

     This is a true story. No names have been changed to protect the innocent because I was the innocent.

     The time: Summer 2009

     The place: Walmart parking lot


     I had the weekend off from work, where I had literally just started weeks before. I'm now an assistant manager of a restaurant but at the time I was merely a crew member making just above minimum wage.

     Keep in mind I was off for the weekend. It becomes important later.

     Anyhoo.....


     I was walking across Walmart parking lot in my Tennessee hometown. It was summer so I had on sandals, a pair of shorts, a t-shirt and my red Ohio State Buckeyes baseball cap that I always wore. As usually happens at Walmart, I had a definite shopping agenda. Ink pens. All I wanted were some ink pens.

     No trouble. Just ink pens.


      As I'm walking across the parking lot, eager to get in and out of Walmart with my sanity intact, a police car cuts in front of me. Thinking I need to start paying more attention to what's going on around me and less about ink pens, I stop short and apologize to the female officer in the car. Figuring there's some ne'er-do-well she's after on the other side of the parking lot, I simply sidestep the car and make my way to walk past the rear of it, resuming my trek to Department Store Hell.


     The police car backs up, once again blocking my path. Again I stop short and backpedal, getting more than a little angry about the situation.  The officer opens her door and steps out.

     "Do you live around here?" She asks?
     "Um... yes I do. Across the street as a matter of fact. Is something wrong?" I reply.
     "I need you to turn around and put your hands on the vehicle."
     I actually snickered. "I'm sorry.....?"
     The officer puts a hand on her holstered sidearm and, again, says, "Turn around and put your hands on the vehicle."
   

     I turned around and put my hands on the vehicle.

     She stood behind me and spread my legs apart and frisked me. I was made to put my wallet and keys on the hood of her car. She tells me that I look exactly like a guy they're looking for who was responsible for a home invasion three days before on Thursday. Right down to the red baseball cap and beard.

     My heart soared! I was a restaurant employee! I wasn't allowed to have a--

     Crap.

     I'd been off for the weekend.  I'd grown a goatee..

     She put my hands behind my back and I felt them being zip-tied. I'm not lying when I tell you I was scared out of my mind. Aside from a speeding ticket years before, I had never been in trouble with the police. Now, I was convinced I was going to jail.

     She asked me how long I'd lived in the area. Why was I at Walmart? Where was I at this time on this day. I was in big time trouble and I hadn't done a thing. All I wanted was some freakin' ink pens.

     As she's questioning me, another police car arrives and pulls in next to us. Backup has arrived and he gets out of his car.

    At this point, there are tears. And snot. I'm pleading my case and explaining that I have absolutely no idea what's going on and all I want are some ink pens and just as I'm sure the female officer has heard enough and is about to bend my head down and shove me in the back seat of the car like you see on TV and take me to jail where I'm going to meet lots of new friends and maybe have a new sexual experience, the other officer says, "How long have you had the beard?"

     The beard!

     "I've only had it since this weekend.. I work at ****** and we're not allowed to have beards."
     The female officer looks at me and says, "If I call ****** and ask your manager about it, will they verify it?"
     "Yes they absolutely will."


     The male officer pulls me to one side and launches into conversation. How long have I worked there? Do I like it?  The female officer is on the phone to my place of employment.  A minute or two later, she hangs up and walks over to us and says that my manager on duty did indeed verify that employees could not have beards. I was at work Thursday. It couldn't have been me.

     But she was still not convinced. Even without the beard, she was focused on my cap. She stared at me for the longest time and for a moment, I was sure I was still getting in that car. Then she walked behind me and cut the zip-tie loose. She said I was free to go and they both apologized for the mistake, leaving me in the parking lot with a crowd of interested onlookers.

     I don't know if they ever caught the guy they were looking for but I am convinced that the only thing that saved my bacon that afternoon was our policy of no beards.

     I still wear the cap proudly as a loyal Ohio State fan.

     I bet the female officer was a Michigan Wolverines fan.

 

   

   

   

The Coming Of.... Middle-Aged Dating

     Hello again, Friends! I apologize for the hiatus.  My promotion gives me no end of things to do but I hope to be a bit more regular from here on out.

     So. I'm dating.  I have never met a kinder, more fantastic woman.  Why on Earth she gives me the time of day when there are so many other worthy men suitable for her I have no idea.

     But I'm nervous.

     I've been divorced for over 12 years now and I have kids of my own.  I've dated since my divorce but never someone I've cared about so much and who has kids of her own.  This is my first time dating a woman who has kids of her own.

     I met her kids recently and they're great kids.  But I confess to being a bit nervous.  It's important to me that they like me and I think they do, but her divorce is still pretty fresh and she was married much longer than I was.  It's still so raw and new for her three kids, who are either teenaged or close to it, that I'm worried I'll be seen as The Intruder.

     Maybe I'm overthinking it.  And of course it will take time.  Hopefully my experiences as a father will help me with it, and I've been doing lots of research and Googling the subject.

     It is definitely a new and terrifying adventure.  But also a challenge I'm willing to take.

     I'll keep you posted.

The Amazing Average-Guy Gets Promoted

     Whew. I'm back. It's only been a couple of weeks but it feels like a month. I got promoted to Assistant Manager where I work and with it came more training, more hours, more responsibility, more money and less sleep.

     And I love my sleep.

     Love it.

     I boldly laugh at my parents when they tell stories about I hated to go to sleep when I was a kid. How hard it was to get me to go to sleep. I don't think so. Have they met me? This actually may be evidence to prove that I was adopted. That I'm really a Kennedy and somehow I got switched at birth. Although why the  Kennedys would have had a child in Dayton, Ohio in 1970 is beyond me. And, maybe, with all the trouble the Kennedys have had over the years, perhaps it's not such a bad deal.

     So, yes. I got promoted. I am now Assistant Manager of a store in a well-known QSR chain. QSR stands for Quick Service Restaurant. I just don't like the term "fast food". There are so many negative connotations that come with it.

     With this new job comes the ability to see QSR operations in a whole new light. Behind the scenes stuff, if you will. I've done this kind of work for years and I'm one of the profound few who really and truly like the work. It's hard sometimes. It makes me want to scream sometimes. But I've felt for a long time... and perhaps this comes from my being a follower of Jesus Christ... that there is no greater honor in serving others. In restaurant work, I'm doing the very thing Jesus commanded me to do.

     And let me say again. The work is hard. It's not for everyone. People tend to treat this kind of career the same way they treat the Army. If you're "flippin' burgers", you can't do any better. You didn't do well in high school. Girlfriend's pregnant and you gotta get a job doing something. You're lazy and unmotivated.

I've heard it all. Believe me. And I graduated high school. Top 25 in my class. I went to college. Majored in Journalism. For the longest time, my own parents never understood why I liked it. For years, all I heard was:

     "Well, it'll do till something else comes along."

     or....

     "You can do better with your life. Get a factory job. Or what you went to college for."

     and on and on and on.

   
     It's hard to have pride in this kind of work when people look at you with that kind of attitude. And I'm a guy that loves this work. We are constantly looked down on. If there was a Respect Totem Pole, QSR employees would be at the bottom. Somewhere below telemarketers and child molesters.


     Restaurant work requires a lot of patience. The ability to have thick skin. The ability to maintain a good attitude on days when you don't want to maintain a good attitude. The ability to remember lots of things being thrown at you almost constantly, like constantly changing procedures; what goes on a sandwich; what the customer wants on a sandwich after he's changed his mind seven times; how much the price of a product is; how much the price of a product is without a bun, with extra bacon, extra cheese, and a french fry and you have to know now because the guy ordering has exactly $3.46 to spend and you have a line full of people on their lunch break that need to get back to work.......

     But all we're doing is "flippin' burgers." We're all lazy. Unmotivated. Without options.

     And most QSR employees are high school kids and college kids needing the money. But some are husbands and wives who have lost their jobs and now struggle to make ends meet. Or they're like me. They like and believe in what they do.


      The work is hard and the pay is terrible. You start at, maybe, a couple of cents over minimum wage, working very often less than 40 hours a week. You're often bombarded by rude and uncaring customers who see you as less than dirt and you have to take it because you have no illusion that the customer is where the money comes from. No customers mean no sales. No sales means no money. No money means no work.

     Then, if you're lucky and you work hard, you get noticed and the company sees something in you and you might get promoted. And honestly, that's where the money is in this business.. But it takes effort and hard work to get there.

     And we make mistakes. But we do our best. We really do. And not all restaurants are the same, but most of them, and trust me not all, will happily fix it if they make a mistake. You spent your hard earned money on what you ordered. You trusted us to give you what you wanted. The way I see it you were a guest in my house and I dropped the ball and didn't make you happy.

     And it's not just Quick Service Restaurants. It's the higher end sit-down places. The cooks and servers alike. We all make mistakes. We really do respect our customers and we just want to do a good job.

     And now I'm an Assistant Manager. 3rd in the command chain. Not only do I do paperwork and manage shifts and other responsibilities, but I have to keep my crew motivated and happy in spite of all the obstacles I just mentioned.

     It's not easy. But we do it.

     Smile at us from time to time. Talk to us. Laugh and joke with us. If we did good, let us know. If we didn't, let us know so we can do better next time.

     This work is harder than anyone actually thinks and anyone who says they can do it, no problem, I'm challenging you now. A lot goes into good service.

     Sometimes we mess up.

     Just be patient with us. And be kind. Please.

   
   
   
 

The Amazing Average-Guy and The Madagascar Debacle

     So yesterday, I had my second date with my high school crush, Jodie, all growed up and gorgeous. Which went very well, actually, I think. I'll keep you posted.

     Anyway....

     She is a fan of the Madagascar series of movies, so we talked about seeing the third Madagascar movie. You know those movies, right? They're pretty popular. Alex the lion (voiced by one of my favorites, Ben Stiller), Marty the zebra, Gloria the hippo, and Melman, the hypochondriac giraffe. And the penguins. Can't forget the penguins. After Marty wants to experience the wild, pampered and spoiled New York City zoo animal Alex and crew find themselves shipped off to far off Madagascar where they find things aren't as easy in the city.

     Part 2 finds the gang in Africa after a failed attempt to get home, where they get involved in their own individual adventures.


     Totally dedicated to showing her a good time, I agreed to seeing the exploits of Alex and the gang as they are pursued across Europe in this new installment. I'm all for it. There's just one... small... problem. I hadn't seen the other two. I know, right?! She pretty much couldn't believe it either. So, ever so graciously, she agreed to introduce me to the world of Madagascar. So we skipped the third film and watched Madagascar 1 and 2. I liked them. I definitely want to see the third one. Those penguins crack me up.

     The whole Madagascar Debacle, as it will heretofore be known, got me thinking. There are a lot of kid-type movies that I haven't seen. Stuff I really should have seen. I mean, I'm a comic book nerd and card-carrying dork! I love cartoons! So, we compiled a list of popular kids movies I haven't seen that I'm going to make an effort to see this year. Try not to be too surprised. They are:

1. Kung Fu Panda 2. I saw KFP 1 and loved it. Just haven't managed to see 2. But it's actually on my DVR so I will get around to it.
2. Shrek 2 and 3. I actually didn't like Shrek that much, but I'm willing to go back and watch them and give it another try.
3. Puss In Boots. Funny, I hear, but a Shrek spinoff.  Still, I could give it a try.
4. Cars and Cars 2. Yes, I know they're popular and awesome but I can't make myself get interested in a film about talking cars. There's a scene in the movie where Lightning McQueen is driving past a field full of lettuce or cabbage or something. Why does a world full of cars need lettuce? I can't get past that. But, it's on the list. Actually, I may just hold off on these until Pixar decides to give me a sequel to The Incredibles. Call it a strike. Or a boycott. 
5. Rango. Although reviews say it's really not kid-friendly. 
6. The Little Mermaid. Shut it. Don't judge. 
7. Toy Story 2 and 3. I saw Toy Story and it's one of my favorites but the sequels passed me by. I see a pattern emerging with sequels.
8. The Tale of Despereaux  This one I can't explain. I wanted to see it but it escaped my attention.
9. Open Season I haven't seen any of these, which is odd. I think they were coming out at the same time Hoodwinked and Hoodwinked 2 came out. Now those were great. 
10. Wall*E. This one just didn't interest me. It could be that I'm really very upset about my sequel to The Incredibles.
11. A Bug's Life. Another Pixar film. Yep. Definitely a pattern forming.
12. Ice Age. Nope. These either.

     So there you have it. Pretty lame indeed. And I'm sure there are more. And I can add Madagascar 3 to this list, too. That will be soon. I've definitely become a fan of Alex and the gang.

     If you've seen any of the above movies, let me know what you thought about them. I need all the reviews I can get. And what do you guys think about an Incredibles sequel? Why do I have 3 Toy Story films and 2 Cars films but I can't get a sequel to The Incredibles? Tragic! Tragic, I say.



     Before I turn the lights off here, I'd like to ask you guys to check out the video below, if you have a couple of minutes to spare. My friend Teri's niece, who is in the video and is the thin one with the blondish-brown hair, and one of her friends made this for a chance to have it shown on Ellen DeGeneres' show. If you watch it and you like it, please share it. The girls want it to go viral and I told them I'd help make that happen. The link is posted below. The video is freakin' hilarious and definitely worth your time. Thanks for your help.

     Have a great week.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31K23kkQIIc

The Amazing Average-Guy Goes Back In Time: Epilogue

     Well guess what? I didn't have to go back in time to accomplish at least one thing on my list. Remember the first one about my high school crush? Well, to my horror/shock/surprise, she told me she reads my blog. So we talked for a bit and after much shoe-shuffling and awkwardness, I asked her out. I guess she felt sorry for me because she said "yes." :-)

     So I had a fantastic time with a beautiful woman and didn't need a DeLorean to do it.

     Not too shabby, kid. Not too shabby. Sometimes even the dorks win out. 

     By the way, "Snow White and the Huntsman" was great. You should check it out.

      

The Amazing Average-Guy Goes Back In Time

                                                      Anybody remember this gem?

     Do you ever wish you could go back in time, maybe back to high school, and fix some things? Maybe slap your younger self around and yell, "What the @#$% are you doing!?" Tweak here and there? Fix those mistakes?

     I've found myself thinking about that quite a bit this past week. And it gave me an idea for something for us to talk about.


                                    10 Things I Would Do With A Time-Traveling DeLorean

1. I would travel back to 1988 and tell my past self to ask Jodie Pendergrass out on a date.

     I had had a wicked crush on her ever since the 8th grade. She was popular and I was a nerd and the crush really only got worse as I got older. I really wanted to ask her out but nerds just didn't ask the popular girls out. I'm pretty sure there were rules about that kind of thing. I hear she got married and became a teacher. If she reads this I'll be mortified, but there's no taking it back now.....

     2. While I was in 1988, I would make my past self finish college.

     Growing up, I wanted to be a cross between Irwin Fletcher and Carl Kolchak, both great investigative reporters. I majored in journalism in college but I very foolishly took a year off to work, found that I enjoyed making money, and never went back. But the news bug is still in me. I truly regret it. I need to go back. I just don't want to tangle with werewolves or vampires.

     3. Next stop, 1997. I would stop myself from getting married.


     My marriage was miserable. I ignored the constant warnings of friends but I took the plunge anyway. After we married, it was as if someone had flipped a switch on her back. She quit her job, she refused to work, got involved with drugs and ended up cheating on me. It lasted 2 years and I was happy it was over. We did have 2 beautiful kids, though. If there was some way to keep them in the timeline after I went back and got rid of her.....

     4.  I would travel back to the late 1700s to experience Colonial America.


     Colonial America is my favorite period of history. The bravery and strength of our forefathers to stand against a powerful tyrant against overwhelming odds and risking literally everything.... That will always be amazing to me.

     5.  I would buy stock in certain fledgling corporations. IBM, Microsoft.....


     I would totally pull a Marty McFly on this one. Ensure my comfort in the present. Not like Biff Tannen did. Just to make sure I had a nice car, a house, and give Jodie Pendergrass and our kids a good life. :-)

     6.  I would travel to 1963 to see the Kennedy Assassination. 


     I just want to clear the mystery up. If you've read Stephen King's "11/22/63".... well... I won't leave spoilers.

     7.  I would go back to the 1940s. 


     Maybe with what I knew, the Allies could stop Hitler sooner and prevent Pearl Harbor. And I could read the first Captain America comics.

     8.  Travel back to September 11, 2001. 


     Maybe with what I knew, I could intercept the first group of terrorists thereby stopping the others.

     9.  I would travel forward to see what the future would be like. Check in on the kids.

    10. A final jaunt to 1938, then forward to 1963.


     In September 1938, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster released Action Comics #1. For the non-comic book readers, this is the first appearance of Superman. The Holy Grail of comics enthusiasts and worth millions of dollars in auction. 1963 gave us the birth of the Marvel Comics Universe. Fantastic Four, The Amazing Spider-Man and the X-Men all came out with their first issues that year. I would have them.




     And there you have it. Ten things I would do if I could travel through time. As always, I encourage you to leave comments. What would you do with a time-traveling DeLorean?

     But before I go.... it could be said that preventing my marriage and the events leading up to it would have also prevented me from having my awesome children. And you'd be right. Be happy with who you are. Try not to regret much. Learn from the mistakes. As much pain and suffering as my marriage caused me, I did indeed get two fantastic kids out of it. And if preventing anything took them away from me... I'd just live it all again for them.


     This is the book I mentioned above. Fantastic read, by the way. No spoilers.

 

     Okay. I'm turning out the lights here in the Average Lair. Have a great week.

     See you next Monday.

     


                                               

The Amazing Average-Guy and The Perfect Woman: Part One

     Hey, Gang. Before we talk, I just want to remind everyone to take a moment today during our reunions and get-togethers and parties and such and thank our veterans... our heroes... for their efforts and their sacrifices in giving us this way of life. We live in a fantastic and exceptional country and, as Thomas Jefferson once said, "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants."

     If you are one of the defenders of my home, past or present, you are welcome here anytime and I salute you.

     So. Guys. What do you find attractive in a woman? What do you look for first? What's more important? Looks or personality? Skinny, heavy or somewhere in the middle? Or all three?

I was having some trouble this week trying to find something interesting for us to talk about. My job as an assistant manager of a successful restaurant has kept me busy, what with school out for the summer and that coinciding with Memorial Day weekend and the start of the summer traveling season. I wasn't able to take a day and see what's going on around me and acquire some stories or topics. So I asked for some help on my Facebook page for something to share. A friend of mine immediately tossed out the idea of sharing my opinions of what a man finds attractive in a woman.

     I will confess to being very humbled and honored by this request. I don't know if I am qualified to speak on behalf of my gender but I will do my best.

    You will notice that the title says this is "Part One." Because I'm certain I'll be revisiting this topic in the future.

     What does a man find beautiful and attractive in a woman? I can tell you what I think and I will in a moment. I actually tried to do some research on this. Not as much as I'd have liked but I'll be better prepared in Part Two.

     A definitive response to this is most likely impossible. Every man has his own strengths and his own issues and insecurities. Men also go through different stages of life. We may like the bad, trashy girl when we're teenagers, then wise up and want the down-to-earth, caring woman in our twenties and upward. Here are some of the answers my research has netted me.

• Men look for health. Physical, psychological, emotional, fiscal.
• Men look for the outward appearance of physical health. Good personal hygiene.
• Men want someone beautiful, but, we objectively know what this is. Different strokes for different folks. A Discovery health program stated that men overwhelmingly are attracted to women who have a 70% ratio from waist to hips. Meaning waist is 70% size of hips. Another online survey discovered that men preferred women with a mid-to-heavy body size instead of those whose curves bare more bone than fat. It is also interesting to note that this is an immediate indicator of health. I can personally agree with this. I like a woman who ain't afraid to eat. Just sayin'.
• Men want a woman who is honest, who he can trust completely, who is not likely to sneak around and sleep with other guys. I can also personally agree with this.
• Men want a woman who will make an effort to please him. This does not fall under the category of "GET ME A SANDWICH, WOMAN!!!!" But we know when you care and want to make us happy the same way we want to make you happy. 
• Men want a woman to appreciate what he does for a living. For a long time, I was uncomfortable with what I did because the woman I was dating had a much classier job than mine. We can't all be doctors and lawyers. Sometimes we're just damn fine Assistant Managers and we work hard at it. And we just want to be respected.
• Men want a best friend. A partner for life and for our souls. Someone to laugh with, share problems with and be completely stupid around.
• Men want someone who will have faith in him.
• Men want a woman who is independent and strong, yet sometimes submissive.
• Men want someone with a sense of humor.
• Men want interdependence, so that you trust and need each other.
• Men want a woman who has a great smile and a positive attitude and loves to laugh and be herself but can also be intelligent and serious.
• And what do men find beautiful as far as looks? When it comes to physical attributes, the eyes have it.  Personally, for me... the lips.

     These are most but not all of the things I gathered. It is also interesting to note that while an average body size turned heads, it was actually a woman's personality men considered beautiful the most. And I agree with that. We also tend to think that a woman with self-confidence, as well as being kind, caring, and sincere is beautiful, as well as a woman who is willing to listen and engage in conversation with us.

     Ask any guy and you may very well be surprised to learn that those perfect bodies and skinny runway models are far from his dream girl.

    I can personally add some more that didn't make the list.

1. Don't try and change us into what you want us to be.. I'm a dork. Card-carrying. I get excited about comics and superheroes and Star Wars. Sometimes vocally. I dated a woman once who didn't like that. Wanted me to "tone it down" and "stop being so childish". We're not together anymore. 
2. Men like to be the hero. You're independent and you can move the world all by yourself. We get it. But sometimes... not every time but sometimes.... let us move the world for you.
3. Be supportive, even if we have 12 different ideas for blogs and we can't decide which one is the better one. :-)

     Now.... my personal opinion. What does Michael a.k.a. The Average-Guy find attractive?

     As above, someone I can trust without question, someone with more hips and less bone and who isn't afraid to eat. Someone who is kind and sincere and cares about what I think and respects what I do for a living. Someone who can laugh at themselves and who can make me laugh. Someone who will let me be me and not be embarrassed by it. A strong, independent woman who will let me be her hero every once in a while. Someone who will be supportive of what I do, even if I fail at it. Because she will pick me up and dust me off and say, "Okay. You'll get it next time." And someone who will be my best friend and let me be hers. Partners. Teammates. Someone who needs me as much as I need her. She doesn't have to be gorgeous. She just has to care. 

Everyone's idea of perfect is different. You can't please everyone so don't even try. Be yourself. Love yourself. Take it from me, there is a man out there who needs exactly what you have. Don't settle. Never settle. And don't take crap. If he doesn't love you the way you deserve, cut him loose. Because you'll never find that gem as long as you're content with that piece of concrete you're carrying around.

     And as always, I encourage you to leave comments and opinions. We're just friends talking here. Anything on the above list I missed? There will be a Part Two to this, I guarantee.

   
My brief research came from http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_do_men_look_for_in_a_woman if you want to see the bullet points I didn't list.

     

     Okay. I'm turning out the lights here in the Average Lair. Have a safe and happy and safe and safe Memorial Day. 

     See you guys next week.

      

     

   

The Amazing Average-Guy vs. The $#@&%$

     If you're a friend of mine on Facebook or in real life (or IRL in the digital vernacular), you've probably already read this story. But I felt it was interesting and entertaining enough to recount here. If you haven't heard this tale.... well, it's a good one. And with my limited storytelling ability on Mark Zuckerberg's Grand Social Experiment, I wasn't really able to share the entirety of the tale to my satisfaction. Gather 'round the fire, Faithful Readers, and I will tell you a story.

      Let me begin by saying that I am a Diet Mountain Dew addict. I didn't used to be. In all honesty, it used to be Diet Dr. Pepper. But my good friend, who is also a DMD addict, was kind enough to share one night when I was out of my drink of choice. And such is history. At my job, I tend to work more nights than days and I'm usually home by 2 a.m. On this particular morning, after I had gotten home, I curled up on the couch with my kindle and read until about 6 a.m. I started getting hungry. I had some milk in the fridge that needed to be used so I was thinking shortbread cookies. Which I love. Along with carrot cake, cheesecake, Reese's cups, and vanilla ice cream. Plus, I hadn't had any DMD for several hours so I was having a caffeine withdrawal and the mind-numbing headache that comes with it. My apartment is across the street from Walmart, which is both a gift and a curse. I typically walk over there rather than drive because:
   

1. Have you seen the price of gas?!?!?!     
2. I'm a type-2 diabetic who has fought it for the last 8 years and finally has it under control. I tend to walk more than I drive so I can keep my weight down and stay off the oral medication.

     STORY PAUSE
     
     Now, I bet you're thinking, "Michael. You said you were diabetic. But you just listed about twelve different sweet things that you like to eat."

     Yes. Yes I did. I have a wicked sweet tooth. It is proof to me that my God, who I love and adore, has a sense of humor by giving me a chronic illness that keeps me from satisfying my sweet tooth. And I do still eat them. Things are under control and I like to reward myself for my good behavior from time to time.

     STORY PAUSE OVER
   
     I walked over to Walmart in the early morning. This is actually my favorite time to shop because there's no one there. I don't know about the Walmart where you are, but the one where I live.... Sweet Georgia Brown. It gets a little hectic during the day. Anyhoo..... I gather up my pecan shortbread cookies and my 12-pack of Diet Mountain Dew and head to the wide open checkout counter. Again, I don't know about the Walmart where you are but here in Small Town, Tennessee, the cashiers have begun asking for donations to help the Children's Miracle Network.

     STORY PAUSE II

     I am a huge and stalwart supporter of kids. I will stand and fight fiercely for them. And I have. I remember my childhood fondly. When I was growing up in Ohio in the 70s, my parents let me walk or ride my bike to the public library alone. I, and the other neighborhood kids stayed outside until the street lights came on or dinner was ready. Being a kid back then had its dangers, but for the most part we were safe.
     Not now. Not today. Kids have no idea what it's like to be kids.
     Our kids have nowhere to turn. No one to trust. Teachers, church leaders, even parents.... people that kids know they can turn to in a crisis.... have let them down. Predators stalk children for no other reason than pure evil. Our kids think they can't trust adults. And for the most part, they're right. But I love kids. And I will fight, argue, stand alone, whatever, for our kids. For that reason, I donate lots of money to the Children's Miracle Network, St. Jude Children's Hospital, our own Monroe C. Carell Children's Hospital here in Tennessee at Vanderbilt, charities for childhood cancer, autism research, childhood diabetes, etc.

     STORY PAUSE II OVER


     So, I get to the cashier and put my items down on the counter. My headache is getting worse and I am anxious to tear into that caffeinated goodness sitting before me. The cashier asks if I would like to donate a quarter to the CMN. I chuckle lightly and hear the squeak of cart wheels behind me. Someone else in line.                
     "Yes, I would," I tell the cashier. "But I think I can spring for five dollars." And I give her the fiver.
     I hear the person behind me cough a rasping cough, followed by, "Well, you can give me five dollars. I'm poorer than them."
     I stop. It's possible, I think, that maybe the guy is down on his luck. Maybe my five dollars would better serve someone else at this moment. So, I turn to look at the man behind me. I froze. All I could do was stand there and blink for a few seconds. The caffeine monkey on my back continued to pound away on my head with his sledgehammer, grinning his monkey-grin the entire time. The guy is dressed in ratty clothes. His cart is full of beer and wine and junk food. Then he asks the cashier for a carton of cigarettes. This guy doesn't even appear to be trying. He's so poor that he can afford three different kinds of alcoholic beverages and a carton of brand-name cigarettes?
     I literally look him up and down for a few seconds and, with restraint that I am proud of, I say,

"I'll make you a deal. When you become a child with a debilitating disease like, say, cancer... or you become the parent of a child with a debilitating disease like, say, cancer.... and you throw hundreds of thousands of dollars and as many sleepless nights at it with nothing to show for it and your child asks you if everything is going to be okay and you fight back the tears because you have to be strong for her and you tell her 'Yes, everything is going to be okay' even when she knows you're lying.... or when she asks you if she's going to die and what is heaven like and you can't think of anything to say except 'It'll be okay.' Are you poorer than that, sir? When that happens to you, let me know and I'll be happy to give you five dollars."

And I grabbed my stuff and left the store. And I was pretty upset for a large part of the day. I consumed some DMD and my headache ebbed, the monkey satisfied.

     I have a friend whose daughter had cancer when she was around 12, I think. She went through the whole cancer-fighting gamut. Chemo and the rest. She beat it. Kicked its ass. She's a total superhero. She's 16 now and, aside from routine checkups and necessary medicines, she's fine. She's a normal, precocious, 16 year-old girl with everything that entails. That same friend has a son who is autistic. A very sweet boy. I'm an assistant manager at a restaurant. I believe one of my employees is autistic. I can't really know for sure, but I think so. She has a less-than-stellar home life. That I know. But she works so hard and always gives me 100 percent.

I would encourage you, in some manner, to give to a children's charity. Or be an advocate for kids. It has gotten to the point, really, where all they have is each other. They need us. And we need them.


A very special thank you and shout out goes to Susan at her blog "Super Earthling" for helping this not-so-computer-savvy guy get his blog up and running. She has totally gone above and beyond. Go check out her blog. And be a follower. I am. Go now. http://superearthling.blogspot.com/


And if you liked this, check out my companion page on Mr. Zuckerberg's Grand Social Experiment (everybody calls it Facebook, or something) at https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Not-So-Secret-Files-of-the-Amazing-Average-Guy/369022626487647
     
   

The Amazing Average Guy and The Disturbing Truth About Mother's Day

    As of this writing, I have yet to wish my own mother a Happy Mother's Day. I am truly a bad seed. Work and other inexcusable activities kept me from doing so, but I'll call her later and send her flowers. I'm her first born son. She'll understand. :-)

I hope you had a fantastic Mother's Day. I hope your family loved on you and sent you cards and lavished gifts on you until you just couldn't take anymore and you had to yell "ENOUGH!!" I hope it was one for the record books. Congratulations. You deserve it.

Mother's Day was first celebrated in 1908 when one Anna Jarvis held a memorial for her mother, then campaigned to make Mother's Day a national holiday. She succeeded in 1914, but by the 1920's she became disgusted with its commercialization and was even arrested for disturbing the peace when she and her sister campaigned against what the holiday had become. According to her New York Times obituary in 1948, she became embittered because too many people sent their mothers a printed greeting card. She was quoted as saying,

"A printed card means nothing except that you are too lazy to write to the woman who has done more for you than anyone in the world. And candy! You take a box to Mother—and then eat most of it yourself. A pretty sentiment."

Perhaps it's no surprise that Anna Jarvis died unmarried and without children. But I think I judge her too harshly.

I look back to my own childhood and I can remember what a huge part my mom played in my life. "Well, yeah," you say. "She's your mother." True, true. She did what other mothers did. Changed my diapers. Made sure I ate. Kissed my boo-boos. And, really, there were a lot of boo-boos. It was the 1970s. I had a Big Wheel and cousins in the country. Lots and lots of road rash, skinned knees in the creek, and my favorite: poison ivy. Although with that, there was less kissing and more calamine. Chicken pox in the fourth grade during the classroom screening of my still favorite Halloween film.... the Disney version of "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow". There was a lot of calamine with that, too.

I got punished a lot, too. I got spankings. With switches and leather belts. Those punishments were the rudder of my adolescent life. I look back and I see that now. When my family moved to Tennessee from Ohio after my dad lost his job and the kids in my new school picked on me because I had a wicked stutter and a Northern accent, my mom gave me the courage to go back the next day. She took me swimming. A lot. My mom took me to see Star Wars. She took me to see "Superman: The Movie" one Friday night in 1978 even though it meant missing "Dallas". When my kids were born and I had no idea what I was doing as a parent, I called my mom. When I went through a painful divorce and spent the next few years practically penniless and fighting just to stay above water and keep my kids fed and clothed, my mom never hesitated to send me money. Sometimes I asked. Sometimes I didn't.

And I could go on and on and on.

The disturbing truth about Mother's Day? We have to have a day to celebrate her. When it really should be just one more day out of 365 that we're celebrating her.

Maybe Anna Jarvis was on to something. Have you tried to get a card for Mother's Day at Walmart? Anna Jarvis would be livid, I think. 365 days to tell our mothers we love them. 364 of those are used for whatever else we do and we use one day to run around and act like savages at our local department store to do what we already should have been doing.

And I actually told my mom I loved her the day before Mother's Day. And the day before that. And a couple of days before that. I pretty much tell her whenever I talk to her. But I missed yesterday. Not too shabby, really. Maybe I'm not such a bad seed, after all.

But don't sweat it, Mom. The flowers will be there tomorrow.

Welcome to the lair.

     Hello, everyone, and thanks for stopping in. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Michael and this is my little blog. I'm not a movie star or a political figure. I'm not a bestselling author or multi-millionaire. I'm a divorced father of two. I'm an avid comic book and "regular book" reader, a fan of roleplaying games, vampire and zombie films, and I'm a certified news junkie. I follow politics and I have a conservative outlook.

     Just an average guy.

     So why does a regular, average guy who's not famous have a blog, you may ask?

     Well.... because I think it'll be fun.

     I will have stories to tell from my strictly average, yet somehow entertaining, life, opinions to share, movie reviews, book reviews and anecdotes and the like, all on a weekly basis. I hope to maybe educate and share some truth, tell some funny stories and leave you smiling. You, faithful reader, are encouraged to leave comments and interact.

     I think this will be the start of a beautiful friendship.

     I'll see you guys back here next week. Later, gang.

     And Happy Mother's Day.